Op-Ed: Caregivers Don’t Need Your Advice—They Need Your Empathy

“Have you thought about trying assisted living?”

That was the question Sarah heard—again—from her out-of-state brother, who hadn’t visited their ailing mother in months. He meant well. But he didn’t see the late-night emergency calls, the lost wages, or the quiet heartbreak of watching a loved one decline. What he offered, like so many others on the sidelines, was judgment disguised as concern—a left-handed compliment in caregiving form.

Across the country, millions of unpaid family caregivers—often women—shoulder the responsibility of caring for aging parents, chronically ill spouses, or disabled relatives. They manage medications, schedule doctors’ appointments, prepare meals, and make wrenching decisions under enormous emotional strain. Yet for all their effort, they’re often met with second-guessing, subtle criticism, or praise that masks a lack of real support.

It’s time we stop offering unsolicited advice to caregivers and start offering empathy instead. But this shift requires greater awareness and emotional intelligence. Let’s explore what that means—and why it matters.

The Unequal Burden of Care

Caregiving responsibilities fall disproportionately on women, especially daughters. Often, the person perceived as most “available”—typically the youngest, unmarried, or not the family’s primary breadwinner—is expected to step in, regardless of her career or personal needs. According to AARP, over 60% of caregivers in the U.S. are women, and they spend significantly more hours on caregiving tasks than their male counterparts.

These expectations, rooted in outdated gender roles, are rarely accompanied by practical support. The sacrifices caregivers make are significant. A MetLife study found that women who leave the workforce to provide care lose an average of $304,000 in lifetime earnings and benefits. But even those who stay employed often scale back hours or decline promotions, quietly paying the price for fulfilling a role others expect them to perform.

The Judgment That Follows

Despite these sacrifices, caregivers like Sarah are often subjected to critique—especially from those not involved in day-to-day care.

Judgment takes many forms: the sibling who questions why a parent isn’t getting more stimulation, the friend who wonders why the caregiver doesn’t “just hire someone,“ the neighbor who suggests they’re “not doing enough.“ Sometimes it comes wrapped in praise: “I don’t know how you do it all,“ which can feel less like admiration and more like you should keep doing it all.

This scrutiny isn’t always malicious. Often, it stems from genuine concern or helplessness. Family members may worry about burnout or feel guilty for not helping themselves more. Advice can be a way to feel useful without getting involved. But even well-intentioned advice can harm if it’s offered without understanding—or worse, without an invitation.

Support Means Listening, Not Solving

Caregivers live with complex trade-offs and few clear wins. The decision to bring in outside help or transition a parent into assisted living (or memory care) is never taken lightly—it typically follows long, painful deliberation. Outsiders see the decision; they rarely see the sleepless nights, the mounting bills, or the slow erosion of the caregiver’s physical and emotional health.

Instead of asking, “Why didn’t you…?“ try asking, “What do you need?”

Instead of offering ideas, offer presence. Bring dinner. Sit with their loved one so they can rest. Send a gift card, a note of encouragement, or simply show up.

Empathy is about humility. It means recognizing that unless you’ve walked in that person’s shoes—making choices under pressure, with limited time, money, and emotional bandwidth—you’re not in a position to judge.

Why This Matters Now

As America’s population ages and life expectancy rises, the demands on family caregivers will only intensify. Caregiving isn’t just a personal issue—it’s a public one. Yet culturally, we still treat it as a private burden to be carried quietly, nobly, and without complaint. That mindset needs to change.

We need more than sympathy. We need policy: paid leave (not unlike maternity leave), respite care, and workplace flexibility. But we also need something more challenging to legislate—a cultural shift in how we see and support caregivers in our families and communities.

And that shift begins with empathy.

What Caregivers Actually Need

If you want to support a caregiver, here are a few ways to start:

• Ask what they need rather than assuming you know.
• Offer tangible help—childcare, meals, errands, or a few hours of relief.
• Don’t make them explain or defend every hard decision.
• Recognize their sacrifice—not with platitudes, but with action.
• Encourage self-care without guilt. Remind them it’s not selfish to rest and recover—it’s necessary.

Let Empathy Replace Judgment

Caregiving is an act of fierce love, commitment, and duty—but it’s also a series of complex, often painful decisions. Those who undertake this role need support—not second-guessing.

So the next time you’re tempted to offer advice to someone caring for a loved one, pause. Unless you’re living their (the caregiver’s) reality, you likely don’t see the whole picture.

Instead of advice, offer understanding.

Instead of opinions, offer help.

Instead of judgment, offer compassion.

Caregivers are already doing enough.

The rest of us need to catch up.