Caregiving Is Hard Enough — Thanklessness Makes It Even Harder

This video does not exactly apply to what we go through as caregivers, but it is still worth a listen.

Video: How To Get Over Resentment

In this video, therapist Julia Christina frames resentment as a form of self-inflicted harm, the classic “drinking poison and hoping the other person dies” problem. Her core point is that resentment typically hurts the person carrying it far more than the person it is aimed at, especially because the other person often has little to no awareness of the expectations and interpretations driving the resentment.

She argues that resentment most often forms from unmet expectations, particularly “secret expectations”, the unspoken rules we hold about how someone should behave, what they should say, and what they should prioritize. Using a personal example involving her husband after a long drive home with three young children, she demonstrates how resentment can spike when we interpret a missed acknowledgment as evidence of being undervalued, even though the other person’s attention may be elsewhere and their intent may be neutral.

Her practical antidote is to slow down before reacting, use strong emotion as a cue for curiosity, identify the expectation underneath the resentment, and reclaim responsibility for meeting certain needs internally, especially validation and recognition. She invites viewers to consider the fairness of expecting others to read minds and manage our happiness, and she notes that deeper resentment tied to older wounds or trauma may require more serious examination, but the first step is always to ask whether holding onto resentment is helpful, healthy, or healing.

View the video here.

Timestamped Highlights:

(00:00) Resentment is described as “drinking poison and hoping the other person dies”, it harms you more than the target, who often doesn’t even know you feel it.

(00:34) She sets the goal: explain how people get stuck in resentment and offer tools to get out of it, while acknowledging it isn’t always easy.

(02:08) Guided reflection: think of someone you resent (boss, parent, partner, friend) and notice what comes up, anger, heat, “fiery emotions”.

(02:53) Key thesis: resentment is commonly created by unmet expectations, someone didn’t do, say, or treat us the way we wanted.

(03:21) “Secret expectations”: many resentments come from expectations the other person never knew existed, rules we never clearly stated.

(04:10) Important distinction: telling someone what you want is not the same as having a genuine agreement; resentment is different when there’s a real promise or bargain that’s broken.

(05:22) Personal story setup: after a family trip, her husband drives five hours home; the kids are exhausted and dysregulated, creating chaos in the car.

(06:09) She takes on the emotional labor: spends most of the drive managing three young kids from the front seat, trying to keep peace so her husband can drive safely.

(06:58) The resentment trigger: she thanks him for driving safely; he says “thank you” but doesn’t thank her; internally she starts boiling and tells herself a story about selfishness and not being valued.

(07:31) “Be curious” moment: she treats intense emotion as a signal to pause, pay attention, breathe, and respond rather than react.

(08:19) She names the real cause: resentment came from an unspoken expectation that he should recognize and affirm her effort.

(08:47) Self-validation tool: she asks, “Do I need his approval?”, and experiments with giving herself recognition, “Well done, you did a good job”.

(09:32) Reframing: we often outsource pride and good feelings to others, but we can generate those internally; doing so reduces resentment.

(10:00) Cognitive reset: his lack of thanks doesn’t prove lack of value; he could be distracted, tired, focused on unpacking; his mental state isn’t hers to control.

(11:01)–(12:12) Responsibility flip: she challenges the idea that others should read minds and meet our needs, then invites viewers to imagine how it feels when someone imposes that job on you.

(13:46) Depth caveat: some resentment is tied to deeper pain or trauma; it may require more careful examination than simple expectation-management.

(14:17) Closing question: ask whether keeping the resentment is useful, healthy, or healing, and let that guide what you do next.